Why Is Luis Grumpy?

A Field Guide to Theories About Luis

Collected over the years from a series of unreliable witnesses. Presented without endorsement, in no particular order. Names, where given, are fictional. The theories are arguably not.

  1. "He's grumpy because he learned, very early, that the world does not run on the same timing he does. He has been a few seconds ahead of every clock since."

    — Jean Shepherd

  2. "Some people are caffeinated. Luis is, instead, lightly disappointed. It functions as a kind of fuel."

    — Every team lead ever

  3. "He had an opinion about how the kitchen drawer should be organized at age seven. This is what we call foundational."

    — His own mother (allegedly)

  4. "It's the meetings. It is always, has always been, will always be the meetings. Anyone who tells you otherwise is running one."

    — Anonymous teammate

  5. "He's not grumpy. He's concentrating. The concentration has a face, and the face is grumpy. These are two different things."

    — His college roommate

  6. "He keeps a private list of words he thinks are overused. He won't tell you what's on it. You'll know when you've said one."

    — A colleague who once said 'circle back'

  7. "I've watched him for some time. I am not at liberty to disclose my conclusions, but they are unflattering and mostly correct."

    — A cat that was not Grumpy Cat

  8. "He's grumpy because he cares. People who don't care don't get grumpy; they get bored. Boredom is the easier mood. He picked the harder one."

    — His childhood self, in a dream